My cousin is getting married tomorrow... and I feel alone.
"You love me, perfect one, and I love you. The rest will be right." -The Unexpected
I'm so happy for my cousin who's settling down with her best friend in the sacred bond of matrimony... it's taken her 32 years to find the right guy, but she finally did it! Although this number should make me think, "Hey, I've still got a good 11 years of looking," I still feel that I will wake up every day for the rest of my life with no one beside me and no one really knowing who I am. This revelation came to me just yesterday... and I've realized it's true... no one has a damn clue what I'm about. One of my closest friends, who I've known longest of all my current friends, doesn't really know me... and that's just sad I think. What is disturbing to me, however, is not the fact that I'm a mystery to one and all... but the fact that not a single person could really give a shit that they have no idea how I think or feel. Let's explore this concept.
First, we'll start with my parents. I think that's the most obvious example, as they really don't know me at all. There hasn't been a lot of inquiry into my life, either... no questions about things that matter, how I really feel about their divorce or what color is my favorite and why, and definitely never any questions about any of my relationships. And because they have shown so little interest in me, I really don't know them that well either, which is why I continue to not share things with them that I would like to, either because of my uncertainty of their reactions, or likely because I don't think they give a shit... not even one.
This is ridiculous... I bet there's not even a single person reading this right now, anyway. Which is fine, all the more reason for me to expose myself here. So I'll move on to my friends. Instead of sounding like I'm accusing people of not being friends, I'll try another approach. I feel like a pest, to which everyone gives into sometimes and hangs out with or talks to, but there's no real interest on the other side. Those I care about are the ones who hurt me most, because as soon as something better comes along I'm pushed out of the picture, forgotten in a matter of days, and become one of the people remembered when they scroll through their cell phonebook and happen upon my name, then think, "I should call him," and don't. I feel like a pity friend, the guy who gets invited because it's the nice thing to do, not because my presence is actually desired. And I also feel like if anyone read this they would be thinking, "what a whiny, needy, loser bitch."
Well I'm sorry if I'm upset and my feelings don't coincide with your social standards of excellence. I'm not a creative genius, I feel stupid in everything I do, I don't feel worth anything or special, I don't think I'm attractive, I can't find anyone who's decent and interested in me at the same time, and I'm so fucking sick of giving a shit what people think. So fuck off if you don't like what you're reading here, and don't ever talk to me again... because I really don't care. When I do find people I like, I smother them... I don't know why it happens, but it just does. I seem to have a very romanticized view of people I think are actually worth something, and it kicks me in the ass every time. So I'm quite done... with caring and hoping and maintaining an all-around high profile with people. Some song lyrics said it best: "If you don't care, then we don't care." I don't know what song it was, but change the "we" to "I" and that's my new motto.
Oh look, Justin has low self-esteem... you're damn right, and you don't even know the half of it. And if you decide a call to me is in order because it's "been so long" and you need some brownie points, please just spare me the insult and go waste your time with someone else. I've got my gecko to keep me company, and if that's not enough there's always food. Can someone please explain why I eat my fucking way to Hell every time I feel like crap? Have a great day.
Current Status: Mood: Depressed Food: Anything with chocolate Song: "Take A Bow" -Madonna
It all started with a disappointing trip to Chick-fil-A. What could be worse than a bad trip to Chick-fil-A, you say? Oh let me tell you.
I was craving Chick-fil-A today, ever since I woke up... at 7:30PM. Anyway, Tiff wanted to go also, so we left around 8PM to go obtain said meal... only of course after calling them and making sure they were open until 9PM, which they were. So we get to the South Bay Galleria, now known as the devil mall, at 8:40PM. Upon reaching the doorway of the mall, the security guard informs us that the mall is closed and we cannot enter. "We're just going to Chick-fil-A," I say. The fact that the mall is "closed" is his only rebuttal. "But they're open until 9PM," I protest. "The mall's closed," says the asshole.
So we walk away from the mall, and I whip out my cell phone, which happens to have Chick-fil-A's number in the recently dialed list, and I call them and ask when they're open until... "9PM," they say, "We're open another twenty minutes." HA! I knew it. But alas, the security guard still won't let us enter. So we leave, and go to the mall down the street, which also has a Chick-fil-A. To make a long story short, they were closed as well, but we ran into the owner of that Chick-fil-A and got coupons for free meals as well as a sincere apology for our troubles. And they also gave us the address of that shithead security guard so we can now stalk and harass him. Not really... but how great would that have been, eh? Muahaha.
You are So and So. You're smart. And boys like you. This makes your friends jealous. You look soooo good.
You are So and So. You're smart. And boys like you. This makes your friends jealous. You look soooo good.
